First off, let’s identify a couple of statuses (do you write it that way?) about emotional balance:

#1: In times of emotional balance, or if my basic mood has a quiet tone, there is nothing that would want me to think about having a drop of alcohol. It has become an automatism not to drink and – not only – getting used to vauluable substitutes (alcohol free IPA brands are really tasty, if you ask me), if I want to have the “socializing aspects” of drinking ticked off.

#2: Then, of course, there is the extreme times of dips and highs, when my emotional curve feels like being in a state of bipolarity or manic-depression. I know how to deal with these tides, since I have developed a toolset and a well funcitoning battery charged by self efficacy and resources, fueling my resilience.

In times of a negative swing of the pendulum into a deep void, I can tap this energy and balance out until I have the feeling that status #1 is activated again.

So far so good. But what happens if I encounter the following status?

#3: It’s a rather unpleasant state, because I never reallly know where I am at: I’m pissed off, feel lacking energy, lacking motivation, getting into an emotional balance that is close to neutral or positive costs a lot of energy. Activities and habits that would normally give me a short boost of endorphines or dopamine only grant me phases of short lived joy and afterwards the feeling remains that I am chased, or I am pursuing something but I don’t know what. It’s not a state of outright depression or anxiety, and it’s not a state of anger or aggression. Everything is subtle, but it’s seething under the surface. Even considering this emotional state makes me want to explode, but I don’t want to conjure up the energy to combust.

To be frank: About half a year ago, I would have had a beer or two (or three).

The good thing is: I know that alcohol won’t make it better.

The bad thing is: No alcohol doesn’t make it better, either.

So, what is the solution? Yes, of course, drinking does not apply. And I know that there are some underlying patterns right now that make me stay in this state of being. Sometimes a lot of things come together: Hot weather, being tired. waiting for an important letter, searching ways to get rid of insecurity.

For the moment, all I can do is come back to the strategies I am working with to keep up either status #1 or to balance out status #2. But I still need to find enhancing methods to tackle the status #3. Not because I am in imminent danger of falling into an abyss of emotional void and oblivion or the risk of returning to drinking alcohol.

But to cope with this dizzying feeling of something that is dragging me along. Probably starting to surf the wave of this sluggish, unmotivated mood that brings up the rage in me could help this volcano to erupt and then to calm down so I can find some balance again.

I’ll see.

There is one thing I am sure of, at least: The journey is making progress, but the end of the voyage has not been reached. Not by a long shot.

Until next time, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.