What’s keeping me sane, my self efficacy up and my soul stable? Correct. Good emotions and enough dopamine in a smooth and even distribution.

Well, that’s the base line scenario to keep me in a mentally stable state.

But, how to achieve it, broken down in terms of dealing with yesterday, today and tomorrow – i.e. processing my past, indulging in the moment or thinking progressively about the future? It should be balanced, shouldn’t it?

I thought so, but that is actually not as helpful as I thought. Especially dealing with my core and working on progression in terms of self efficacy expectations takes more space than it should, even if I had an even distribution regarding the yesterday – today – tomorrow – scheme.

Let me explain: By trying to keep a balance between these three time scapes, I discovered that an even amount of spending energy on the three scapes has the problem of bringing the whole system into imbalance. In the end, of course I am (nearly) able to sustain a balance between the three, but the problem is that the present is falling short. Why is that? Now, I need to spend a lot in my present to deal with every day routines and problems, and my mind is already busy (at about 30%, as my therapist put it) with dealing with my ADHD.

So, if I have an even distribution of dealing with past, present and future, there is a problem with the emotions that matter for the present, because in the daily routine I don’t have the luxury of dwelling too much on the my present emotional state. So, what I need to do, I found out, is dealing more consciously with moments where I can savor the surroundings.

Of course I did and do so right now, but apparently not consciously enough.

See, when I am dealing with the past, I dive into the rabbit hole, I incorporate my weird schemes related to Cosmic Horror and the like, so I am dealing with emotions PAST. Or, if I plan doing things for tomorrow, I deal with self efficacy expectations, giving me good emotions about the FUTURE. So, an even distribution of allocating my “Emotional Energy” ends up in the short-falling of the present, because I am too occupied with daily business.

I started looking “behind” the scenery of the times I can indulge in nature or the moment which is right now. I consciously try to tap into positive emotions about the moment. It needs a little practice, but it’s so worthwhile, because this is what I was missing a lot in the time when I was still drinking alcohol, when I was depressing emotions, even the good ones, for the sake of the kick of the alcohol and dopamine that comes with it.

Thus, what I need is allocate the ratio 1/2 – 2 – 1/2 of my conscious dealing with delving into emotional states to have a proper recognition of the importance of the present life.

Until next time, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.