Trigger Warning: This blog post deals partly with suicide.

Send in the Clown…

Can you remember Robin Williams? I think he was the poster boy for versatile actors, who perfectly incorporated tragic-comical characters as well as right out comedian roles.

I would say he was one of the funniest actors of his time. And he suffered from depression which ultimately led to his suicide.

What is interesting about many comedians is that on the exterior they are funny, exhilarated and life-affirming, while on the inside they are (at least in my case that’s true for my depressive phases) empty, anxious, thoughtful, feeling lethargic and hollow up to the point that they don’t see the point to live anymore.

Why is that so?

Disclaimer: I am no psychotherapist and I am no psychiatrist, so this is in no way a professional or scientific explanation.

Well, from my standpoint, being outright funny and making other people laugh is a way to keep people at a distance for the reason that I can make people think I am mentally stable and I would not be a burden to my social environment. Because this is what aggravates the feelings of being inadequate and useless even more, if you have the feeling people know you “true self”.

The second reason is, in my opinion, making other people have a good emotional response gives me the feeling of being alive, because when I can’t feel anything positive or anything at all, making other people laugh gives me the feeling of being at least of some use.

Thirdly, if you amuse others, it keeps you busy, pushing away the void.

Fourthly, when making other people laugh it always gives me an emotional feedback I can secondarily savor for a moment.

But that is, of course, never enough to keep the darkness and the void away. So And that is one of the reasons for substance abuse to push away the void for a moment – and then of course other self-damaging behavior.

Where does Cosmic Horror fit into the equation? Well, I still like being a “funny chap” – ask my wife, my kids and friends or coworkers. They simply “love” my dad humor, at least once in a while I can elicit a laugh. And if you shoot with a sawed off shotgun, at least one or two of the shots will find an aim.

Cosmic Horror basically serves – apart from finding the entrance to my subconscious Core – as an anchor for emotional response. Maybe even confronting myself with dire and gloomy perspectives helps me dealing with my bad thoughts, if and when they come up, but is also, by giving me chills, guarantees me an emotional feedback I would get from eliciting laughter in other people. In a crude way, that is a way to generate self efficacy.

Well, and, of course, I have been dealing with Cosmic Horror for a long time now, at least 30 years of my life, so, it’s an “old friend” that accompanied me for a long time. And so, Cosmic Horror and (bad) humor help me sustain my sobriety.

Until next time: Keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.