I think I had been on this path earlier. But I also have written earlier, that I sometimes take up loose ends and closed cases, because the actual need may come to it or I have new insights. And since my ADHD brain is too impatient to roam through all my old posts, this is my (current) way.

Why dealing with the topic of motivation depletion now? Haven’t I just written that this time of the year is a good means to clear up the place and start fresh on a tabula rasa?

Well, yes…and no. Keeping up old habits and activities can be reassuring and beneficial to stability in my emotional equilibrium. The same, though, holds true for shaking this equilibrium up. It is these days of clearing my mind and sorting out stuff where I just realize a certain phlegmatism, lack of motivation, the feeling of lead creeping into my bones.

The step to frustration, anger, anxiety, depression is not too far away, since the thoughts and feelings go like “why the unhappy thoughts? Am I not happy with X and Y, don’t I want to keep up this path?”

The answer again is, yes – and no. See, the problem with motivation and ADHD is, that sometimes it is hard to “objectively” judge, if what I am doing is meaningful and/or joyful. It is obfuscated by dopamine high whirlwinds coming from multiple directions, making my “spidey senses” dull in terms of early alarm signals when one or the other activity has been overstretched or has run into a meaningless and/or “empty dopamine” habit or activity. The problem then is, searching and listening to myself to find out what the problem might be pulls up all those ugly emotions like anxiety and depression, because self doubts like “why am I not normal in terms of dealing adequately with things I like or don’t like doing?” Or “Keep it up, or otherwise you are a loser for not having the power to keep it up.” And then, I keep it up and I draw the wrong conclusions. Then the battery silently runs empty and I wonder where these feelings of ineptitude and demotivation come from. The consequence is delving into more hollow dopamine to compensate for the feeling of emptiness and ineptitude.

In the end, keeping up toxic habits or a prolonged wrong sense of believing I need to finish or continue with a hobby or activity leads to an empty battery and more, even toxier habits (like alcohol over-consumption or throwing money out of the window because my brain tells me I need this particular new guitar to improve my playing, and consequently I will have more fun with my actual band. You may take other examples, the result and the train of thought are interchangeable).

Burnout, depression and prematurely breaking with truly worthwhile habits and hobbies sometimes is the tragic consequence and keeping up false friends is the other.

What keeps me up doing good and bad habits? That is the key question I need to explore further for the understanding and making my spidey senses more efficient.

What I have learned already, and what is a good help, is that I can lay aside a hobby or activity without having the feeling of laying it OFF. I have monitored my behaviour in the last year: A lot of hobbies and interests that I kept up forcibly because I thought I needed them, became toxic. I put them aside for a while. And I learned they keep coming back when I need them. Or want them. That is a good feeling, because it removes the fear that I will never deal with, say, playing guitar again.

Some things are really necessary to keep up. And these need to be sustained or supported by hobbies and activities that keep my battery, resources and resilience up. I do that with my hobbies that are meaningful right now. That feeds my battery and helpt me coping with crises and things I don’t want to do. Or have a lack of motivation.

That is, however, not always enough and I feel that I still have a long way of enhancing my self efficacy and self assurance to make it “perfect” (which, like the horizon, is an ideal that I can’t really reach, but I can wander towards it).

I have written about the four means of motivation where I need to dive deeper into the upcoming weeks and months in the light of my newer insights:

I know one main driver in our society is the force of circumstance: It has to be done, and it is expected that I pull through. Fine. I can do that, but I need to balance it out with things that are good for me. A goodie, a treat to keep me going.

If something is new, a challenge or I have an interest in, then there is no problem. The question is: Can I make it a challenge or keep it interesting? Or can I make the “new” motivating enough it won’t overwhelm me?

That’s something else to work on. In the end, I only know for certain that procrastinating and hollow dopamine are only short lived relief. That is an old wisdom.

I think it’s all the way back to the drawing board. I know some things that work. But there is a lot more to learn.

Until then, I can work with meditation, the four aspects of motivation, learning from and reflecting experience, and, endure. Endure by keeping enough energy in my battery to keep away depression and fear.

Until next time, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.