I have been pondering on this issue for a while now, and up until now, I could only get a grasp on self efficacy in terms of short lived response and reward (feeling good with a rush of dopamine and then slowly bounce back (ideally) into a state of balanced emotional state for a while). And it was a more diffuse feeling, nothing to really measure.

Even now it is hard to put it into numbers, but I think I don’t need numbers, nor would it make a difference. On a qualitative level, however, it is quite interesting to get this feedback through taking a step back and look from a different angle.

What happened? Well, we all seem to have difficulties to bring up the will to see powerful signs of positive things happening right now. I don’t want to discuss any of these aspects, but I think you’d agree that there are enough things out there that could actually paralyze you down to the bone if you suffer from anxiety or depression. Yesterday, though, I could not only FEEL self efficacy from a certain activity or process that ignites self efficacy like a flash in the pan, and passes as quickly.

Yesterday there was news on the television that would have ignited euphoria in me, would let me cling to it like a fly to fly paper and – once the moment wasn’t as light-bringing as hoped – would dissipate quickly enough to drag me down with it.

Interestingly, it – of course – lifted my spirit that a political situation happening sparked hope. But it wouldn’t be so extreme in its rising and (presumably) falling if it had happened half a year ago.

Yesterday, I felt good humored. But not excited. I wasn’t indifferent. But the fact that it happened didn’t invoke the feeling in me that the world would be a better place only because of this political event. To put it into other words: About half a year ago, I would have anchored my good or bad mood for days, weeks even possibly months to this event.

But since I have learned self effective behavior is making me more independent from outside events and don’t have an as big impact on me as before.

This event and my reaction to it is a marker for me that I don’t make my mood depending on exterior events, effects or actions. That is not a feeling. I see it as an evidence that self efficacy strengthens my resources and makes me more resilient. And that is a good sign, since I have still a longer way to go on my Recovery journey and the exploration of my Core. It feels stable and sustainable.

Tomorrow marks half a year of sobriety. Time to start writing on my memoir and diving into short stories sharing my experience with alcohol and the frightening fictitious world of Cosmic Horror.

Until next time: Take one step at a time and keep up the faith in yourself.