I finally mustered the courage to do it. So:

1. What did I do?
2. What happened?
3. What is the takeaway?
4. What has future in stock?

1. I parked my car on a lonely parking lot. I put in my earplugs and listened to music that I have always associated with melancholy or melancholic memories. I shut my eyes, I started focusing on my breath and tried meditating with the focus on my breath. Interestingly, a lot of memories came up, related to the according song, of course and I just tried to focus of letting loose.
2. Well, I didn’t cry or shed a lot of tears. That was sort of a disappointment, but the feeling that came with the experience was interesting, especially facing the emotions and accepting them. Letting them wash over me took me on an interesting emotional trip. However, I couldn’t pinpoint the emotions clearly enough to trace them or to make deeper sense of it. Yet, I felt a bit as if in trance, and I felt emotionally fresher than before, although it took me a couple of minutes to get clear headed again.
3. The takeaways are: I need more practice, and I need more patience. I felt close to the verge of breaking the dam, but I didn’t want to overstretch things in the beginning. And I must learn to focus on letting loose. Articulating the underlying feelings will be a challenge as well, but in the end, although it was a pretty wild ride which felt like going on a rollercoaster blindfolded, I had a feeling of solemnity and thankfulness for the things like they are now.
4. In the future, I will try shorter and maybe more intense impulses. Maybe a cluster of songs related to certain emotions or memories to have an orientation so I can track down my emotions easier. I want to write down what my journey was like, so I want to fetch an emotional diary. I feel that there is a lot of underlying aspects I can reflect on and I can draw positive insights for the future from. Especially when it comes to pinpointing upcoming surges of anxiety, stress, anger or sadness. I feel it is a powerful tool to get deeper in touch with myself and the underlying Core that was reason for my problematic drinking in the first place. I am not quite sure yet if I want or need professional guidance accompanying my journey. One thing I know for sure is: I have a long journey ahead of me being honest and authentic with myself and repressed emotions. I want to articulate feelings and opinions more openly, even if it means snubbing other people. I have simply had enough of pleasing other people or giving a sh*t about everybody’s comfort zone. I don’t mean to become a complete pr*ck, but I want to carefully assess if I can place myself first before aiding other people and other people’s feelings. It’s like on the plane: Help yourself before you help others.

Until next time, take one step at a time and don’t lose the faith in yourself.