Why am I focusing so much on anxiety, a possible ADHD or depression although this is about quitting and recovery?

Exactly because of that. The more I deep dive into my own recovery and the more the Pink Cloud fades (something I will surely post upon later), the more I get to discover more and more questions and aspects that seemingly could be explanations. The problem here is I found so many loose ends it might become overwhelming.

My coping strategies are a good tool to fend off confusion and thought twisters, but also the anxiety surfing and deconstructing of emotions lead to questions that I sometimes cannot answer by myself. So I reach out to my community, my friends, the resources I find in books and podcasts (reliable ones, because I have quit social media for good!).

The answers to all these questions seem to lead to more loose ends, but in the whole picture (and this is something you will see if you take a step back in a time of (forced) regeneration, like last weekend, when I was sick), I found correlations, causes and connections that come down to the one thing that kept me pursuing sobriety and recovery from day one:

Of course reframing all the bad habits is great, but if you don’t explore the root of you bad habits and feelings, they might rebound with a whiplash if you don’t confront yourself with them. If you only reframe, you’ll end up in substitute toxic habits. I just realized that in my last diary journaling session: Of course it is great not to drink alcohol and substitute it with, say, alcohol free beer. But your habit doesn’t really change. The question is: Why am I going to the same spots after band rehearsal and instead of drinking beer I am having a fizzy drink and instead of doom scrolling I am watching Youtube? Because these maladaptive coping strategies echo the dopamine output from my drinking days, and it leaves me with a hollow feeling. That is why I skipped a few band rehearsals and started to explore the feeling.

The feeling was like a depression: Hollow, no emotions at all, fear, hopelessness. I initially thought it was psychological withdrawal symptoms. But I realized that these substitutes were counterproductive and led to a false friend called toxic positivity.

I listened to my favorite podcasts. I read a book about a German comedian who was first alcoholic and then depressive. Then I heard a loud “CLICK”. The mechanism here was running away and suppressing from something behind closed doors, just like when drinking alcohol you run away.

So I started working on opening that door. And this is where the initial question comes into play, and the program to quit drinking I started on my journey respecitvely: The coach from this program advised to search for the “Core”, the initial reason for your drinking problem.

And this is exactly what I am doing now: Exploring my past, my ineptitudes, my biography, my disorders. I don’t question them. I don’t want to suppress them or reframe them in a way that I say “it wasn’t so bad”. I confront myself with it and try to understand. And suddenly you get the feeling something dissolves. The fear of Monday evening post rehearsal hollowness has vanished. I know the beasts name behind the door. And it has many ugly faces, but I can deal with it. Because I know:

1. I have an anxiety disorder. I have had it for longer than I can remember. How do I deal with it? I have a good therapist. I do sports. I have my routines. I try to be a better father. I take time for myself. All of these aspects give me security and give me a good feeling. Will it ever go away? Maybe not. But accepting your anxiety is like taking care of a relative who you love but who makes you problems. You learn to deal with it and live with it, even love it sometimes. It belongs to me.
2. ADHD: I don’t know it yet for sure. But the signs are there that I have had it all my life. How to deal with it? Same way like above.
3. Depression: Comes with my (potential) ADHD and my anxiety. It gets bigger and smaller with the other two. I am still learning to deal wit hit.

So, is that my core? I don’t know if that’s all. But sobriety beyond the Pink Cloud isn’t only about “not drinking” or having the willpower to do so or reframing all your possible failures and faults. It is about accepting and facing these things and dealing with them, improving myself where it feels fit and embracing the “Me” that is made up of all my experiences. I am proud of that and that gives me energy, resilience, resources and a feeling of self efficacy. I think my Core was, that I was not able to see this and blaming myself for things I had influence on but didn’t work out in the past. The Core was that I always had the feeling of “what would have been if”. The Core was running away from feelings of not being worthy. Many of these things in the initial Core changed over time, because working in my job is therapy for me for 15-20 years. So I managed working on my core without realizing it was my core. But the drinking stayed, because it was older than my realization I had to change the view on myself. Then it became an addiction.

The takeaway is, that I feel I am on the right track to get myself bullet proof. I still have a lot to learn and to improve in a way to have the self esteem and self image I want to have. But that’s the road to recovery then. And on the end of this path, I definitely see A Clear Horizon.

Until next time: Take one step at a time an never lose faith in yourself.