Here we go again. Seeing the logo of my podcast host service alone pushes up stress levels.

Why is that so?

Well, it’s all about motivation and in turn over exaggerated expectations generated by it.

The problem arising is a recurring pattern in ADHD, enough to make a Cosmic Horror short story out of (and you can be sure I’ll do):

1. There is the urge to start something new. Dopamine expectations rise as I only think about it, enough to give me a spike at the specific moment, boosting levels of self efficacy expectations up to the point of getting a feeling to be invincible.
2. Starting the new activity feels great. I wonder why people think it’s so complicated? It isn’t. Just let the flow take hold and everything works out fine.
3. Other activities become less relevant, hyperfocus and flow take hold, dopamine levels rise, spike, plateau.
4. The realization that I can neither perform satisfactorily in the activity in hyperfocus, nor other activities leads to frustration and the feeling of ineptitude.
5. Procrastination on all levels set in.
6. (This point is something I luckily have eliminated:) Catastrophising and relating on heavier abuse of substances or other maladaptive compensation.
7. The downward spiral begins.
8. The horror ends in absolute devastation and depression, anxiety, and at the worst level – self doubts, burnout, self endangering habits.

Why am I writing this down in such dramatic tones? Reflecting on these things is one side of the medal. Writing it down and confronting myself with what happens after step 5 is the necessary insight to not only pull the break but also to identify why and where I can stop falling into the same trap of ADHD loops time and again.

In practical terms: Yes, I have learned to use visualization, small steps, surfing my emotions, facing all the problems and constructing new “realities” from the insights, new habit loops etc.

But the main problem was and remains the imbalance of a spike in dopamine when coming up with new ideas and then, if and when it turns out I am not able to keep up with what I had planned, the dip into depression and anxiety remains.

Luckily I have an appointment with my therapist today. And luckily we are on the same side.

And everybody who condemns medication for ADHD, because they critically note that medication makes it all too easy and omits the necessity to work therapeutically on habits, personality and life management:

Walk a mile in my shoes. Just for a day. I am not talking about the futility to get hold of the problems in my youth. Or my anxieties or depression that arose from the feelings of ineptitude and inadequacy. I am not talking about my alcoholism and my Core that I have been intensely working on that last half year.

I am talking about waling a mile in my shoes just for one f*ing single day. If you then come to the conclusion that medication is “the easy way out”, you might be living in a different reality.

Luckily my therapist is on my side. And I don’t use or abuse medication to take the easy way. It’s a support for me to manage my day, be a good father, a good employee and in the end – having a good day to stabilize my emotions enough to get out of the endless loop of spikes and dips.

Maybe I should give my family doctor the story about this to read once I have finished the story.

And no: Leaving out podcasting and some other activities is not giving up. It’s a necessary break to find the balance to have fun making a podcast. It shouldn’t be stress.

Until then, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.