Fast For…what?

Those of you familiar with the notion “cassette player”, “VCR” or other mechano-audiovisual devices will remember a button which was called the Fast Forward Button.

For those who have not grown up to use these relics of times long past: It was meant to give you the opportunity to quickly – or, fast forward – a film or audio track in order to skip unwanted content or to get to the position on your tape where you wanted to be and omit the stuff you didn’t want, for example a kitschy dialogue in Dirty Dancing (a dancing film from the early 90s) or the horribly boring scenes from horribly boring films where you know only the boss fight was interesting.

So, what happened, if the Fast Forward was broken? Well, you had to endure the whole film or tape, or you would have to keep clear of the film or audio tape.

Well, what does this have to do with Recovery or disorders?

Now, I don’t know about everybody else’s disorders and Recovery, but mine has worked pretty well because of a couple of reasons, but one is pretty important:

Every aspect of reflecting and processing of my past, my emotions, my personality and my past is something I try not to stay clear of, and it is something that I don’t want to suppress or repress anymore. I have done so a lot in my past, especially through the use of alcohol (which, exactly, I didn’t repress, but often DEpress the underlying emotions only to jump back at me with even more intensity).

I won’t be able to process the things that haunt(ed) me with keeping away from them or to omit certain parts of the episodes that come back to my memory. They need to be lived through from start to finish. It was and isn’t always an easy task, but since I have learned to use the technique of emotion surfing and deconstructing/reshaping the meaning of events it gives me the opportunity to cope these episodes without skipping unpleasant memories.

This is exactly my way of dealing with my core, and I think this is why I have come to the conclusion that I needed some failsafe system to be sure I wouldn’t skip or fast forward unpleasant memories and dealing with what I need to process. And that is breaking my inner “Fast Forward Button”.

How did I do that? Well, visualization and commitment to or of something that I can make apparent is pretty helpful. It is a goal to work towards to and that is pretty motivating, because it promises a lot of self efficacy and is, thus, pretty rewarding: Writing and finishing a book. How do I know? Well, writing blog and recording podcasts is a similar process and reward which gives me a similar boost in self efficacy.

So, what does writing have to do with visualizing a “Fast Forward Button”?

Simple. I started working on my book in rough outlines and rough planning. Since I need an orientation in the windstorm of ADHD, I consulted AI in a way that it helps me structuring things. And the structure I worked out for my book led me to a working title of the book, and the subtitle has to do with a broken Fast Forward Button.

This is very important to me, because the underlying notion I just described above and the symbolism behind it is a visual help and guideline serving as a (momentary) beacon not only for the book, but also for my Recovery:

The broken button simply reminds me of this fact, that I can and will not skip or stay clear of unpleasant memories or things I have to deal with. And this is important: if I can keep this promise of the “Broken Fast Forward Button”, I can also keep the promise (to myself) to sobriety. This is my commitment. And it is only my responsibility, although I will probably want to have someone else to take this responsibility (for this is something inherent of ADHD, if things get to overwhelming) This is why the subtitle goes like this:

“Darling, the Fast Forward Button is broken.” – But “darling” won’t take this responsibility…

Until next time: Keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.