There are some situations in your life you long for to have clarity about, and then, when it happens, you are not quite sure what to make out of it.

Make no mistake, I am really relieved to have finally a factual diagnosis. I only thought it would be clearer to me if it gave me a good feeling or a bad feeling. There were no distinct signals coming from that moment.

Time to reflect on what this diagnosis means:

First of all, the relief comes from the fact that I identified a lot of processes and structuresi n my system that couldn’t cry any ADHD louder:

I tend to procrastinate like someone with ADHD. I have Hyperfocus like someone with ADHD. My concentration is like I have ADHD. My yearning for micro-dopamine kicks is like I have ADHD.

And now I know: I have ADHD.

So: Relief. Is that a reason to celebrate? Maybe with the laughing face of bi-faced Janus: I know I was right about my “self-diagnosis” and I was right in tems of the methods to apply, as I was applying methods of behavioural therapy that were (as of today) successful. And it explains a lot of things from my past that contirbute to my Core as a reason to drink.

So, yes, there are reasons to be happy, resolved and at ease. Maybe “celebrating” would be a little too much.

The other side: Is it a reason to cry? I think it would have been a few months ago, because I had not such a big clue about the mechanisms of ADHD in adults. And maybe since I was in the Pink Cloud, still, I didn’t want to hear anything about it. Probably a reason to cry would be if I thought in terms of stigmatisation. But hey: I am diagnosed with anxiety disorder with aspects of depression and I had abusive alcohol consumption as a problem. So, if there are things in my life that I can work on for the next 10-20 years (or even for the rest of my life), that’d be my anxiety and my recovery. ADHD is just a minor “stigma” and I don’t even know if it’s necessary to get supplementary medication or exchange it for Prozac (which I take for my anxiety disorder), compared to the other diseases.

The takeaway is, I guess, that I tend more to the positive resolution of this diagnosis, because it explains so much and takes so many thoughts and worries off of me, that I think it will make my way of recovery and building up self esteem more sensible. But the journey stays the reward.

Until next time, take one step at a time and keep up the faith in yourself. The Clear Horizon is something to see, not to reach.