After nearly choking off my life motivation and sinking headlong into a deep depression, I finally made it to get rid of smoking cigarettes and abolishing dope, I mustered the strength to get my life as straight as possible: I declined a possible apprenticeship as a programmer and inscribed as a student again. I moved. A lot of friends moved away and I got into a new band.

All in all, I settled my life for straight studying, and – I eventually finished my first teacher’s degree (1. Staatsexamen) in less than the regular studying time. I played theater, I spent half a year abroad, I met a lot of new friends and I had the first set of serious relationships. I moved into a different city and started the secondary phase of my teacher’s education. I even got to know my wife.

But: I kept away from drugs, yes. I couldn’t keep my fingers from drinking. In the first phase of my newly started studies, I thought: “I’ll have a beer tonight, just to socialise” or “I’ll have a beer to wind down”. Nothing particularly notable.

The first time I started thinking about my drinking habits was in the half year abroad: I was a bit older than my fellow students. I drank more than they did on average. I accounted it to the fact that I could take more than other people. It just didn’t take my attention too much.

When I moved in with my second housemate, I realised we were both drinking too much, often after band rehearsals, theater rehearsals or in the weekends. We both drank a lot and sometimes skipped university, but nothing to be worried about too much. Again.

Then I moved into a different city. Here, I guess, the first signs of problematic alcohol consumption crossed my mind, when I realised I needed alcohol each evening to wind down, and since the secondary phase of my teacher’s education was stressful and not successful, drinking became a welcome companion. My future wife wouldn’t mind too much, only once in a while giving me advice to lower the frequency. Which I did. But still drank too much. Then I failed at my secondary teacher’s degree and I became depressed. More drinking and medication became common. I got a fairly good job, but I felt I wasn’t qualified enough (impostor’s syndrome). I drank more, until I realised, that at some point my anxiety, depression and job stress led me into my first burnout…

The third phase of my drinking started soon after. More to be told in another post.

Until then, keep the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.