The fading of the Pink Cloud and the time I am getting from my handsfree time comes with a couple of ups and downs, but essentially this is about diving deeper into the rabbit hole of Recovery.

What do I mean with the ups?

Well, a very important development right now are the insights I get from the time and free resources the time I don’t spend on digital devices give me to try out new stuff and dive deeper into my Core. That leads to a lot of new questions elated to my mood, self esteem and self efficacy. Many of the mare insightful and helpful, even to euphorising thoughts like : “I’m finally free, why do I have to deal with my Recovery anyways? I won’t have another drink in my life! Everything is perfect!”

Then there are the downs.

I sometimes feel like overwhelming myself with efforts to change and adapt, then I call into doubt the above mentioned euphoria and I sometimes imagine steering towards a panic attack or a burnout. It really helps, then, to do some deconstructing my thoughts and emotions. I then get the feeling I need to do more….or I need to do less…I’m struggling to find the right path. When I do too much, I feel like I’m deliberately overwhelming myself. Or I have the feeling like I do too little and enjoy guilty pleasures. Then emotions of depression and hollowness give me anxiety.

What does it all come down to?

Well, I guess it is a good thing to cling to keeping my hands free from digital quick fixes in terms of numbing depression or anxiety or to procrastinate.

But I need to adjust the tempo and the intensity. Day by day, step by step. Because then, and only then, am I able to get (more or less) into a balance in the evening, where dopamine spikes and serotonin lows come to an equal zero line and I can sleep better.

The aim is to flatten the curve of the spikes and dips in a way that I don’t feel like close to panic or absolute euphoria. I think this is what a manic-depressive person must feel like. But I’m getting there becaus I…

…take one step at a time and don’t lose the faith in (my/your)self.