“If that stupid colleague hadn’t squealed to the boss, things wouldn’t have just worked out fine and the job would have still been there”, he said, then taking a large draft from his beer.

What does this short message (which is made up), tell us?

1. Externalising: The fault for being fired here is blamed on the colleague and/or boss, not the person who had caused the trouble.
2. Not using “I” – statements: The person in question tries to objectify his fault by stating this in a third person view, detaching himself from responsibility.
3. Drinking: By having a large beer, he can wash down his anger and shame, depressing these feelings.

What is so wrong with these forms of dealing with the (possibly) existential threat of losing his job?

It may not be a problem for other people, but for me it had three implications:

By externalizing, which is a common male problem approach, I would not able to really get to the core of what the mistake was. Of course it is important to me to keep a good self – image and enforce my self value. I just found out, that I can be much more self-reliant and self-effective (and thus happy) if I confront myself with my own mistakes instead of blaming another person.

By not using “I” – statements, you reinforce the fact that the mistake has nothing to do with you. I used to take the stance of the third person, neutral onlooker. That is helpful in a various set of situations, but it doesn’t help you if you want to learn from your mistakes and improve your habits. Using “I” – Statements has cost me a lot of energy to overcome to incorporate it into my habits. But using these statements makes you more believable, and I believe stronger in myself and my decisions and my possibilities to improve.

Booze: Well, the third magic step to ignore a problem is by depressing your underlying emotions and then pushing them away temporarily with alcohol. I think I don’t need to elaborate on this topic too much, we all know where abusive alcohol consumption leads to.

All in all, these three habit pushed me into a vicious circle, and by keeping the focus on myself, at least concerning the underlying emotions, makes it not only easier to identify if you cause a problem or another person, it also makes dealing with problems, family issues and every day life easier and you.

I don’t mean to educate. I only say that realizing these aspects of dealing with problems can be a game changer.

Until then, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.