It’s always the same: You think you have closed a topic and then you try to clean up and find another loose end and you want to discard it. Upon picking it up, it unwinds an old and a new story…

So, what happened: Well, actually it’s what happened before: I made up my mind with certain topics, but they come back with a new perspective. And since ADHD has a lot to do with my alcohol consumption and my other disorders, it seems worthwhile to open the cold case of passivity, procrastination and good intentions again.

I have a podcast in my mind, in which the host elaborated on the topic of his great ideas which he would put into action once he stopped drinking for good. The only thing he needed was to stop. But not today, tomorrow.

From today’s view, this looks and feels eerily familiar.

Except for the fact, that I stopped drinking and it gave me the energy to put things into action, there remain things to put into action. Or change. Or omit. Or build as a new habit.

The eery thing is, I know so much about how to theoretically put things into action on paper. I reflect on that stuff, get into touch with myself and my emotions….

And then, that’s it. I keep on pushing things ahead of me and sometimes I don’t know how to find motivation or energ to do it. And then I do something else…

Mmmh…The same pattern, new packaging. In all progress I made, I still fall back into the same procrastinating patterns like before. And that is a very interesting insight.

Do I need to optimize my way out of this pit? I don’t know yet.

The difference to earlier phases and patterns of procrastination is, however, that I don’t flee into other toxic habits. I know a couple of things now that I knew before as well, but putting it into a new perspective helpt:

1. The “Kollateralmeise” is a sneaky beast. I am now more aware of the mechanisms driving me into substitute habit loops, so I can draw in a stop before I start procrastinating loops.
2. My ADHD knowledge comes in handy now, because it makes explaining and concluding from earlier behaviour more obvious and it doesn’t feel like such a big pile of work anymore. I have better means to grapple this mountain of doom and I don’t flee into self doubt and self pity that easy anymore.
3. Even if I do – and I do! – I have learned that mistakes are no failure in itself. Failing or making mistakes is ok, as long as I draw the right conclusions. Of course, dealing with the burning shame or feeling awkward is not nice. But enduring the process of failing, emoting, standing up is helping like hypersensibilisation in phobia therapy or allergy therapy. It’s a matter of dose and small steps.
4. Time is my friend. Since I committed to small steps, and even allow myself small stpes back, I make headroom and time for moving. The people around me showed a lot of patience and they still do.
5. “It’s not your fault that you have ADHD – but it would be your fault to use it as an excuse to behave like an a*+%&$le”. Yes, there is a lot that ADHD explains. But laying back and showing everyone the finger and the badge that says “I have a diagnosis” doesn’t help. And it feels bad.

The takeaway? I think the struggle is real. I have a lot of things that work right. And a lot of things that don’t. The knowledge alone doesn’t solve problems. But I’ve learned (and I am still learning) methods and mechanisms to solve the problems. It’s try and error. And I need to take small steps. And self compassion. And a lot, and I mean A LOT of patience.

Like the Mandalorian would say: “This is the Way!”

Until next time: Keep up the faith in yourself, and don’t lose the faith in yourself.