Ok, it is no big news that alcohol is a depressant and leaves you in a depressive state after the dopamine has dropped into the void. Alcohol abuse can lead to depression, depression can lead to alcohol abuse. No big news either.

Catastrophising is something that can cause a vicious circle, where alcohol and depression can entwine in a diabolical waltz into a terrible vicious circle.

First off, what is catastrophising? It means the spiral of your psyche that makes you picture the worst outcome of a potentially harmless situation, It often happens in depressions or anxiety disorders, or co-morbidities related to ADHD or autism.

An example from my experience would be: I call a friend. He doesn’t answer his phone. I text him. He doesn’t read it. I start panicking he might be angry with me. Then the catastrophising starts: I imagine I have done something wrong or said something wrong. I imagine he doesn’t like me anymore. I imagine I will end up losing that friend. I try even more to contact him, the frequency gets higher. He still doesn’t react. I panick even more. I start thinking he is talking badly about me behind my back. I imagine I will be losing all my friends. I start feeling like a total failure who doesn’t deserve love or respect. That really happened coupla times.

What was next: I tried to find consolence in alcohol. The dopamine curve went up, I felt better. I tell myself not to worry too much. I hear he has phoned another friend. The dopamine drops instantly. Catastrophising hits back hard. The thinking goes: Why hasn’t he reacted? Why does he like the other person more than me? Another beer. Relaxing dopamine. I try to calm down. I write another message, tell myself to be relaxed. No answer. Another beer. Soothing thoughts: He may be busy…or not??? I text again. Dopamine reaches a new low. Another beer…

The story can go on indefinitely. Problem is, At one point I just go to bed, frustrated, depressed, disillusioned. The next day may start differently, but the depressive and shallow mood persists. I somehow get over the day, craving for a drink. Work or other things keep me busy until I give myself the permission to ease the cravings. Then the procedure of the day before goes da capo, just maybe with a different topic to catastrophise about.

Luckily, this hasn’t been a permanent state. I have been in anxiety therapy for a long time now to cope with catastrophising and depressive loops, but once you start a loop like this and try to dampen it with alcohol, it will return with much more force once the dopamine has gone. That’s something to bear in mind and one of the reasons for me for having quit. And I am so happy about that.

Until next time, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.