James Clear writes that you should build habits to define your identity to keep up the habitual routine. The argument goes: If you identify with your habits, the habits become you or at least help shaping your identity.

If working is a big part of your identity (which is normal if you are belonging to the species “male”) you should either form habits to get you away from your work identity (if you don’t want to identify too much with your work), or yor you defy this identity and you might ressort to “maladaptational coping strategies”, such as alcohol, orou form habits that help you with your identity.

Why am I emphasizing work here so much? Because working and after hours drinks is often haibtualised and you might feel “manly” if you drink a lot of booze, especially if you are working in a field which is not so much associated with “manliness”, like being a social worker. I, for myself, have the benefit of working in an all male social worker team, after having worked as a teacher in a predominantly female working team. That has nothing to do with misogyny (I really liked working there, but it didn’t fit anymore, because I loathed teaching in the end, not my colleagues!). Working in an all-men team aggravated my problem of drinking, because the alcohol in the after hours or company parties was a common thing and belonged to the identity of myself and my coworkers, contributing to the feeling of being “manly”.

These days, I wondered, what will define my masculinity if I don’t drink anymore? Whether I wanted it or not, I found that sports, which is also associated strongly with “manliness” in the company I work in, became a substitute part of my identity. Problem solved? Partly. In the end, sport, of course, defines my identity and my masculinity. But reflecting on these parts of my identity helps me finding other parts of my identity that define my masculinity without making me toxically “manly”. And that is thanks to my job, where reflecting on your work and your role model quality is part of every day life.

So, my “work-sport-lilfe balance” works very fine without alcohol. At the same time, my habits I have built so far keep me away from developing a toxic “manly” masculinity. At least I hope so.

Until next time: Keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.