Wow. That sounds complicated, doesn’t it…

Yes, this is the result of my mind racing through and combining seemingly non-sensical approaches to something that has a probable sensible and meaningful outcome.

How did it come to pass? Well, I had a lot of time to think about deconstructing and recombining different thinking patterns and mindsets (I’ll explain in a later post what I mean exactly). I wondered about the following approaches in my head:

1. I love horror films, but why?
2. I love table top games, especially the doom and gloom games.
3. I love H.P. Lovecraft and Cosmic Horror.
4. I have a general anxiety disorder which had led me to imagine different very horrifying ways the world might end.
5. I like to believe, yet I am an agnostic.
6. I believe firmly in evidence based science, yet I believe that there is more in this world than meets the eye.

Phew. How to get this in line?

Wait and see. Or scratch your head. In my head it makes sense. I don’t mean to explain to you my deduction, nor is this some faith manifest.

I won’t be too elaborate about all bullet points. Only to point out a few unclear things:

What kind go table top games do I mean? Well, it’s mostly about fighting entities bigger than life (Arkham Horror, Eldritch Horror, games that make you go insane or you die a more or less horrible death).

What is Cosmic Horror? This is basically the core about this post: Cosmic Horror is about the idea that humanity is only a crumb in the vastness of the universe in which humanity is the pawn in the game of chess of deities powerful enough to disturb the filament of space and time and will get you insane only thinking about them too much. Most of Lovecraft’s protagonists die, commit suicide or they become mad. Great prospects, eh?

My fears about the end of the world were manifold, mostly because of Climate Change or a possible WW3 or combined.

I believe there is something bigger than us out there, but not necessarily a Christian god. I believe in a universal deity of pantheistic quality, if you like.

And: Science is a great way to explain the world, but it’s not where reality ends.

So much for the explanation. Now to put all of this together:

My fears tend to manifest in certain things too-big-to-handle for a single person. Climate Change, World politics and the like used to scare the sh*t out of me, and diving into drinking eased this anxiety and consequently the pessimistic and depressive thoughts that came with it.

This fear was furthermore fueled, of course, by feelings of inadequacy, sometimes low self esteem and the need to find confirmation from outside (I needed someone to tell me I did great, or I would suffer from low self esteem right away).

All of the exterior and interior fears culminated in catastrophizing A LOT. I haven’t been in therapy for this for nothing. All I lacked for a long time, though, was a reason.

I sometimes thought my fears came, BECAUSE OF my love of horror. Funnily, it really eases the fears. And here, too, I lacked a reason.

So, in al the catastrophising about my inadequacies and the state of the world, alcohol became a “good friend” (no, not really), because it stopped the vicious circle of thinking things through without finding an end.

Interestingly, diving into horrific worlds accompanies by alcohol consumption made up a lot of my time being stuck in semi-burn out or burn out. And I felt “good” in this time (no, not really).

Now, time has passed, I have left the Pink Cloud, I stopped drinking, I have been diagnosed with ADHD.

All the methods implemented to tackle my disorders and my Recovery led to the following insights (coming back to my postulation in the headline):

I tend to bind my fears and feelings of inadequacy on things here and now and I fear the loss of control over things I cannot control. So far, so “normal”.

By diving into worlds of Horror, especially Cosmic Horror, which brings the fear and anxiety even closer to my world of emotions, but shielded by the knowledge that this is fiction, I can dive into the feelings and emotions that are delivered in these settings: Desperation, emptiness, insignificance of myself and all others and everything else.

And here comes the juicy bit: By confronting myself with the nihilism of insignificance of my own problems, my inadequacies, the problems in my system, the problems of our day, of politics, climate change and so forth. This all vanishes at the sight of the maddening vastness of space and time and the insignificance of the existence of each and everyone of us, even the short period of civilization, of the anthopocene, even of existing life on this planet for the past aeons and coming aeons.

Wow. This could be enough to drive me into the madhouse. But it doesn’t. And I ask myself, why?

The answer may sound illogical and non-sensical: I find consolation in this realization that everything is insignificant and seemingly without a meaning.

And this is the aspect I FIND meaning in. And that is, that if I am not able to find any meaning in the vastness of the universe, the only thing I can find meaning is in my own, insignificant, atomically little, life. I think this insight came after reading “Atomic Habits”, there James Clear states that an atom is the (almost) tiniest particle we can fathom, and yet it is so powerful, it makes up the fabric of our material world. And this dichotomy is important to me. I am not powerful in the universe, but I find power in my little, tiny, insignificant world. And that is good enough. How do I find this meaning? This power?

Bingo: Self efficacy. Is there anything that beats it? Not in my world. Is there something that can kill it?

Alcohol.

Conclusion: No alcohol. Strive for self efficacy. Enjoy life. You’re not getting out of it alive.

Until next time, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.