Yesterday it was about diving deeper into the rabbit hole and the things that are yet to be uncovered.

I just found one major thing that I am not quite sure of yet, how much impact this had or still has.

First of all, it has to do with puberty and my developmental state when I was about the age 12 – 14 years old.

Thing is, puberty and particularly this specific age range, a very important and very sensitive stage of developing your personality, identity and your view of the world. How much it impacts the rest of your life is surely depending on the individual, but the impacts from this age seem to have had at least a lasting impact on my life in the years to come. Especially regarding my self esteem and self confidence.

To get to the pont: In this certain age I started befriending another boy my age who came to our class from another school. He maintained a “cool guy” image and he held up an image of being very self confident. He pretended to have a lot of experience with girls, with alcohol, with everything we thought was cool; because it was forbidden.

I had been a bit torn between concerning this boy, but I was friends with him for too long (actually, I only cut binds with him deep into m twenties). There had been positive aspects, yes, but I won’t deal with those.

I want to highlight some of the things that came back to my mind the last cuople of days that may seriously have impacted my self confidence and self esteem for years and, as I see it at the moment, has played a major role in exacerbating my drinking problem.

He tried to convince me (and also others) that I was jinxed with bad luck (in German, we call someone who is followed by bad luck as a Pechvogel). I fought this narrative a couple of years, but I was always reminded by him that I was, so I guess a part of me believed this narrative and it was a load on my self esteem.

Plus, he and a couple of other guys always made fun of my height and that I looked more like a 12 year old than a 14 or 15 year old. They said I would never get a date, etc.

He framed me in a lot of these manners, and I guess today that I silently converted these narratives in beliefs about myself which took me longer to get rid off than I thought. I think this is what you call a toxic friendship.

Today, I am convinced that this guy was only projecting his own inadequacies onto me, because I was (seemingly) weaker than him.

Well, years after that and after quitting, I find this thought a consolation, because it would explain

• why he did it.
• (partly) why I felt inadequate and inept myself
• why I resorted to alcohol in order to push my own self worth (I can drink a lot ==> I am a “real” man.)

The more I get to my Core these days, I get a good feeling about letting go alcohol forever and that I have a fortified personality that has gone past the crucial point where a midlife crisis will severely destroy my life.

Until next time, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.