Yes, there are a lot of things that can kill your motivation if you are a candidate for ADHD. One of the most frightening things that will keep you from going into action and make you choose procrastination is responsibility.

Well, at least it was (and partly still is) for me. No, never initially. But I understand now why sometimes initial motivation and enthusiasm suddenly gives way to utter horror and anxiety, followed by the cold, paralyzing grip of fear and panic. Then, like a gush of wind, all motivation is blown away and light is followed by darkness.

Well, ok, that is a bit over the top, but if you start catastrophising after you find yourself drained from all motivation, then you might end up in this realm of oblivion and the helpless feeling of not being good enough.

And this feeling comes creeping up or engulfing me depending on my initial level of interest, your state of mind and energy levels. And of course how much I tend to put load upon load on my shoulders in a first flow of hyperfocus. Only after realizing it was too much to chew at once, the catastrophizing does its work.

And that is the vicious circle of avoiding responsibility and bad self esteem. I tended to take on roles that seemed much safer: Avoid first tier responsibility to leave the main decisions and responsibilities to someone who “could do it better”: Being the team leader; being second in command as a team class teacher. Being second to the lead in conference mediation. And, most prominently: Being the bass player and not the lead guitarist.

Of course, in the right setting, I assume responsibility and lead, but only if it feels safe to me and I get enough recognition for my efforts. If I didn’t anticipate recognition and success, I would quickly lose motivation and fear of not being able to stand strong in the face of responsibility led into procrastination, and, in the end, to burn out and retreat. And alcohol abuse.

Alcohol abuse was a “good” excuse for underperforming: I could blame it on circumstance, having a hangover, being exhausted, having a migraine, being sick, tick the check box wherever you like.

ADHD diagnosis makes it much clearer now and is ONE very important explanation approach for my Core of why I drank so much alcohol.

Of course I still face situations of procrastination and retreat, social anxieties and catastrophizing. But at the end of the day (today), I can pinpoint where it may be rooted. And that is a real game changer.

Until next time, take one step at a time and don’t lose the faith in yourself (because you might find explanations for your anxieties and fears on the way!)