Ever since leaving the Pink Cloud, one thing has become a very imminent issue on my recovery journey, and that concerns the question of decision making in relation to my self efficacy and self esteem.

While it is in a way a good thing to have a certain motivation and willpower to complete tasks, preferably as soon as possible, the obvious downside comes up to visibility undeniably.

As a kid, I was always framed as impatient and not thinking things through until the end. This lead to two big issues:

1. Procrastination, so that I would not or only very late answer to finishing tasks.
2. Premature decisions, canceling, or finishing tasks or actions with less-than-afforded patience and energy before they were actually finished

If I had a clear and transparent ADHD diagnosis, I would know where it came from. I don’t have the diagnosis (yet), but that’s not really the issue.

Even if I was to be medicated, I know that there are times in which I have to make decisions and work on tasks without the helping hand of medication.

How does it manifest, at the moment, anyways?

There are habits and actions I framed as sensible and meaningful that I don’t frame like this anymore. The thing is, I either procrastinate or I do the second thing mentioned above (canceling, premature decision or incomplete finishing). And that is something that is seriously gnarling on my self esteem, because I shame myself for not “being right”. That is nothing I can’t deal with, but it’s an interesting insight, because it has to do with a lot of decision making in the recent past in which I still tended to be in a black-and-white scheme of deciding, it was either yes or no.

After diving deeper into my rabbit hole, I found ways to pave the way a little more even for a greyscaling, or even a colorful range of insights towards this topic.

This is the good thing about the methods I can tap into: emotional surfing, visualization and taking small steps.

So, how does it work for the moment? Not every time, but mostly, at least in a professional context and related to family system matters, I m able to

1. Stop, before deciding too quickly. It gives me the opportunity to have a look at the situation.
2. Emotion surfing: What do I feel, why may this emotion be here, will it fade or do I need to take action?
3. Visualisation: I take a look at the task, the process, habit or whatever and I try to visualize the process and not only the outcome.
4. Small steps: I try to break down the task, habit or action into small steps so I can (if necessary) do a reevaluation of the action, habit or task.

Is the problem solved here? No, not necessarily. Sometimes it is. If I have a good feeling in terms of my self efficacy or self esteem, I don’t doubt a decision. Sometimes I let it go on, but sometimes I try to let it loose, so I can give it a shrug if I don’t stick to a habit anymore. If it happens a lot of times, I reevaluate. Self compassionate, at best.

I don’t always do so, because I am only human and stuck in my habits. But the practice and awareness gives me a good feeling of getting ahead, step by step.

So, until next time take one step at a time and don’t lose the faith in yourself.