What I had read about a couple of months ago now came back with the fading of the Pink Cloud.

The program I attended advised us participants to have a god look at our reward system. In the first weeks and months, I didn’t realize how important this would be, although I took into consideration the advice:

For starters, the coach advised not to stick to AF drinks to substitute alcoholic drinks. I thought, and I still think, that I didn’t need this advice at first, but in my recovery development, I stopped using this alternative because of two reasons: First, I established new routines to avoid cues and thus cravings for alcohol, so the fizzy drinks after work wouldn’t be necessary anymore. Secondly, maintaining the after work habits with a different “substance” (i.e. fizzy drinks) left a hollow feeling. I discussed that earlier, but under different assumptions. Those assumptions haven’t become obsolete, but they have a different connotation.

After avoiding this strategy, I started feeling the urge to substitute the habit with another. Doom scrolling became more common, until I deleted 99% of social media from my devices. The hollow feeling of pleasing my urges with other habits faded, but other urges to raise dopamine levels raised. I have been working on these emotional distress signals by building up healthier routines and avoiding unhealthier ones.

After realizing the Pink Cloud has vanished, I came to the conclusion that I still need to dive deeper into my mental health issues. Only diving into them is not enough, though. The tendency to catastrophising and other bad thought and habit loops is growing, and the urge to compensate for that with quick fixes rises. I think this is the point where earlier in my life I would have quit quitting and started drinking again, because I saw no other option.

Since quitting recovery is in no way an alternative, I have to look at new ways, don’t I?

Only partly. The big difference to earlier phases of giving in to hopelessness and depressive catastrophising, I have build resilience and self efficacy and I have a lot of resources to tap into: blogs, podcasts, new habits. That may sound like substituting or running away once again, but I don’t stick to the “a problem is only an opportunity with thorns” (something our former Neo-liberal minister of finance pointed out), but seeing problems as something to live through with all the emotions and bad aspects and only then building upon without diving into mantras of toxic positivity.

The point is, it takes time. One small change at a time. It’s the small things that matter. The slow things. Not the big fireworks with a lot of drama. This is something I could remind myself of when going back into my reflections on the program of my coach. Exactly that: Learn to enjoy the small successes. Build positive routines, be compassionate with yourself and give the healing process time. Daniel Schreiber pointed this out when he said that the full recovery process may take about 5-10 years. What sounds frightening at first actually gives me consolation, because I see how small improvements give me good feelings. At the same time it ist learning and accepting that not every day is perfect.

It isn’t in a perfectly sober life or for people who can drink moderately. But as an ex-drinker in the second, fragile phase of recovery after the honeymoon phase of the Pink Cloud has gone, I can realize that the road is getting easier and the weather is getting better on my journey of recovery. The goal is not to reach the Clear Horizon, but to strive towards it and look forward to every glimpse you get of it.

Rethinking and reflecting on my reward system is not the end product. It is the starting point. The next step, after the Dry January has marked my 3rd month of sobriety and the end of the Pink Cloud, the next path is to try a hands free February. I will discuss that tomorrow. But it will mean not only to keep my hands off my devices for toxic digital habits, but also how I can find activities for my reward system that doesn’t necessarily need a hands-on solution (literally meant!)

Until then, keep up the faith in yourself and take one step at a time.